Sunday, September 11, 2016

Art; our level of Discomfort vs Comfort

So I just came across this quote on on IG:

by - Neale Walsh

And this is why it's so interesting.  There is always guidance given to us that support the notion that we can't live in the space of personal success, or even find our best selves when we are ridden with self doubt, or in-confidence, or whatever kinds of things that cause "discomfort", right?  The notion is always presented to GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE.  So this may be true in a lot of instances.  But what I think is a worthy juxtaposition is the embrace of discomfort.  Embrace is always better than rejection.  Right?  This is applicable in every area; but lest I digress let me stay in the realm of creating art pieces.  Embracing what makes you uncomfortable is an interesting approach- once you welcome those feelings and thoughts and apply them to your process, a break through happens.  I have come to understand more clearly why I have to find inspiration; process that information; and then embrace every emotion, stigma, critique, and admiration that comes flooding in.  Cypher through all of that and see what remains.  What remains in most cases is probably my personal art piece.  When living outside your comfort zone (as this Neale Walsh suggests) you may just be living outside the "process" of finding yourself..... Just a day before coming across Walsh's quote (again, because I have seen it time and times before now) I had a bout with my processing habits.  Like most, I critique my efforts; obsess over my piece; obsess over my thoughts and critiques about my piece, and slowly die emotionally for a couple of hours or days.... But then IT happens.  I come back to the piece and I've figured out where I want to go with it.  This process hasn't ever been something that I had noticed, let alone appreciated until now.  Some crafter ladies that I respect a lot had an online chat about "design style" and the crust of the chat concluded that design style isn't a thing for them; it's more about how they get inspired and use that inspiration to force out what their eyes see and what their hands do naturally.  It's the inspiration, forged to fit within their space.  One crafter tagged it her "comfort zone".  This made total sense to me.  I mean we all already do that!  We are inspired by everything around us, and we use that inspiration to begin processing down what we want to produce as a result of meeting such inspiration.  I define this as a direct opposition of GETTING OUT IF ONE'S COMFORT ZONE.  And honestly I think it's just a play on perspective.  I chose to believe that a directive that is commanding NOT to do something a certain way is less productive than a gentle coaxing or nudge toward a direction, or in other words EMBRACE.  Positive vs Negative.  Embrace vs Rejection.  My deduction of all this has left behind my own quote:

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Will I practice?


I did! I practiced piano today! Just finished actually...

I set my timer on my phone for 30 minutes, promising myself that I won't torture for long, and sat down at the piano. When the timer went off, I was just getting fruatrated and slightly overwhelimgly upset at the compexities I had begun to feel. But literally, as those feelings began- it was a few seconds later that I was saved by the bell. And rather than soldier on, ignoring the timer- I took the alarm as a sign to keep the promise I had made to myself... do not torture yourself. Enjoy this! A victory step!!!

I almost missed my window of opportunity to even get to the piano today. I had already decided well before my first piano lesson yesterday, that I would set practice times during Thaniel's naptime. But, I fell asleep along with Thaniel while helping him down for his nap! Well, some time later- while having great sleep, I got a text message from Toya- and that woke me up!  Once the disorientation fizzed out, I realized that I had fallen asleep rather than gotten up to practice. So, instead of snuggling back in to Thanny's slumber- I laid him down and went to the piano. This was another vicory step for me!

I downloaded an app for keeping time, a metronome app- opened my lesson book and went to it!  You know... It feels weird practicing a lot of what I already know, but am so very rusty with, and it is equally strange to have this unnerving tap in the back of my thoights that say "everything you are playing now will be soon heard by your piano teacher... Now she may not judge you harshly or with negativity (you're hoping anayway!) But she will judge you. How do you feel about that?" I ask myself... and I don't quite know how I feel about it. It doesn't frighten me away from the task of practicing at the current moment... another victory!  And all the miracle I need today ��

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

1st Piano Lesson

I envision Bill Murray's character Phil in the movie Groundhog Day- older, stuck in an unfavorable situation (the same day repeating itself) but making use of it! Learning! Improving! Not counting his life as a sumation of; too late to change!

A quote jumped out at me. It was posted on a sign visible from my van while I was on campus yesterday as I went to pick up Todd from Smith Hall....

"Its never too late to be who you might have been- George Eliot"

This piano lesson is me, pickng up where I left off years ago as a chold. Taking on the challenge to be who I might have been. Not allowing my life to wither away like grass having not left my foot print there. Facing my fears. Being brave enough to be volunerable around a stranger. Letting her (Ivy) see my flaws- Why? So that I can grow! Attain this skill! Accomplish! Prepare and equip myself with the means to sasisfy my discomfort, my anger, my hurt, or my need for pleasure-- by playing a tune. After all it is music that heals, and brings joy to the soul.

And all of a sudden, anymore, those silly; fearful reasons I had to never do this doesn't matter. What DOES matter, that which I can no longer ignore are the many reasons that call on me to be brave; these reasons show me why I have to do this.

Monday, November 4, 2013


The Me I Want To Be

On her latest album, India Arie titles a song "Just Do You."  It is a motivating song, with challenging lyrics.  I would give anything to rise to her challenge, and attain the secrets toward becoming the person I want to be rather than the person who is tortured by dreams that seem unattainable.  India says: just do you-, and while her advise is simple, I just don't know how.

I would think that "just doing me" would require me to convert to the me I want to be.  The me that wants to be selfless, thoughtful, and generous.  My heart is inspired and moved with compassion to share with people who are grieving, or in need.  I often desire to seize opportunities to give gifts of thought, and to help people feel a bit of joy in their time of difficulty.  I fill with an aching desire to be a small source of joy to them in their time of loss and pain, and I can rarely ignore it!  In those times, however, when my inner me should show up... some how something takes over and convinces me to refrain from any action that represents this state of mind.

Something keeps me from reaching out to people in need and sometimes I think that I am this obstructing force all on my own.  That I am the something that is making my own conversion impossible.  When I learn that someone is in need, when faced with the decision to submit to my inner desire and engage in action (something as simple as taking over a nice, warm dinner) I remain inactive and distracted like the walking dead who is not living on point and with purpose.  A prisoner of binding chains, I submit to objectives opposite of my heart intentions while countless days continue to pass with me do nothing to become my ideal self.  I continue watching moments of opportunity come, and go.  These moments escape me, leaving me feeling empty, disappointed, and unfulfilled.

I've had several opportunities this past month to rise and embrace India Arie's challenge because there have been a lot of deaths in the community I live in.  When a death occurs it symbolizes the highest time of need for support and love from friends and family.  The recent deaths occurring around me have presented me with numerous opportunities to share love, to be thoughtful, and to show acts of generosity.  Left behind are some people I know barely know, and some are ones who I am close to, but they all are folks who are equally deserving of my empathy, selflessness, thoughtfulness, and generosity.  For me not to try to comfort them in some way is a complete rejection of my inner desire.  I may excuse myself from time to time of this inner desire thinking; "because I don't know them too well, they aren't expecting anything from my anyway." But if this is a reasonable excuse in some cases, then I definitely should have an un-obstructing go ahead in those situations involving people I am close with, right?  Well, just this past weekend I had a chance to appease my inner desire.  I was presented with a chance to show selflessness, thoughtfulness, and generosity with someone close.  A dear friend.

She is sick, and has been stuck in bed for days-- a caring, wonderful, sweet lady who I'd say is a friend of mine, someone who wouldn't fit that lack of closeness description I tend to lean on as an excuse for whether or not my rising up to act as my ideal self is fitting.  In this case this past weekend, I weighed our closeness, and decided yes, I should exercise kindness here!  I wanted to go over and bring her a "get well" gift, or go over and do her heart some good by just being present with her.  I could even bring my children over, let her see and play with them- which is something that brings her heart joy.  However, once again, I let the entire weekend pass without doing what was in my heart to do.  I would get distracted by everything; television, sitting on the sofa, running MY little unimportant errands- and honestly the thought of her would escape my mind during these distracting moments.  Yet, there were also moments when I would remember her, and imagine what I would say to her upon arrival, or during our visit.  Coming to a sense of finality to rise to the occasion, I would think through what time frame would work best for me to head on over to her place.  The plan, in my mind, was now in place.  Arriving to this thought felt right.  It was fitting.  It was my chance to seize the moment---- be my ideal self.  All that would be left was just to DO it.  But I didn't.

And this is how it goes, every time.  It is in these moments of ponder and planning, I feel it.  The weight of chains holding me back from being my ideal self.  This is how I can ask, how do you just do it?  How do you convert yourself?  When I imagine what it would be like to be the me I want to be-- selfless, thoughtful, and generous-- that is when the potential for imagery to convert into reality is at its closest point of reach.  All there is left to do is to stop thinking, stop imaging myself as my "ideal" self, and BECOME my "ideal" self. In that moment is when you either convert or stay the same, and because when I am afforded these instances I debunk them, I can only derive that I must be prisoner to something currently unknown and beyond my control to conquer.  These chains confine me to the act of honoring the imagery of my ideal self and leave me unable to project acts of generosity, and thoughtfulness.  As if the act of imagining my ideal self is the only way I will ever witness some form of my ideal self.

Oh how tortuous it is to my soul to imagine myself as loving and living freely all the while I am but a prisoner to chains that stunt me just shy of an arms length to the prize!!  A hostage, I am, to my own sensing of self and purpose.  So close even to the point of psychological imagery, yet so completely distant from reality. Any ability I have to keep to the agreements I make within my inner self time and time again to be selfless, to be thoughtful, and to be generous seem fleeting and unattainable.  And on some level, strangely enough, I think I hear someone saying...

"Keep imagining.  For if we dare to imagine that which seems unattainable as suddenly attainable, all desire that is not will one day become that which is."

Are there any other precious scribblers out there like me- struggling to be the person you can really feel and sense living there inside you; hiding deeply, deeply, down within?  How do we break free from these forces that cause us to continue playing the role of some unknown, unwanted self rather than becoming the person that we truly want to be.....?

Imagining still,
me.... scribbleneetly

Thursday, October 24, 2013


Funerals are never the type of event that I (or anyone, for that matter) looks forward to attending, but it is the kind of event that must occur regardless to my preferences.  The passing of my great uncle wasn't a joyous occasion, but attending the service provided my family a chance to have a pretty awesome day.  

We traveled to Gary, Indiana for the service.  On the way to my Great Aunt's house, we were able to see the home where Michael Jackson and the Jackson's grew up because my Great Aunt lives just around the corner!  My kiddos, now distracted by fame and fortune, thought that this part was the ultimate highlight and single purpose of our trip! Ha!!!  We had to remind them that we were in town to bury a family member and that people would be sad, not happy to see Michael Jackson's childhood home.  They tried to contain their excitement-- but not before posing in front of the house and demanding a family photo shoot first!  

~bitter sweet~

My great Uncle's passing away also became what was a wonderful excuse to see family, and family friends that we hadn't seen for ages.  It was heart healing to lay eyes on this side of my mother's family that I hadn't seen in a long while.  In addition, while the woman who I was named after has long died, her two best friends who are still alive, were at the service.  It was great to see them, and to be seen by them!  I was able to show off my husband and children to them, and it was great to ponder on the fact that my kids are at the ages that I was at the last time they had seen me!!  It's the circle of life!!               

~bitter sweet~

So yeah, I wouldn't say that I like attending funerals, but again...  Who does?  
I am glad, though, that I was there.  
There to say goodbye, and there to say many overdue hellos.  

~bitter sweet~

(Charles; me; Alora; Aryanna; Theo; Tj)

(Aryanna; Tj; Alora; Elenore)

(Me-Me; myself)

(Brooke; Thaniel: Alana)

(Shawn; Charles: Ladonna)
(Jay; Charles)
(myself; Brandi)
(Brandi; Charles)

(Charles; Aunt Mable- Uncle who died wife, and my grandmother's sister)
(Uncle BC- Bob Colvin and my grandmother's sister; Charles)
(dad; mom; Uncle BC; cousins)
(Uncle BC)

Friday, July 20, 2012

Hello messy Scribblers!

Today I have for you a cute, nicely distressed card of congratulations to a friend of mine who is getting married tomorrow. It features a square of fabric from a charm pack that I had laying around- I've been wanting to merge paper and fabric for some time now, and I think I may be on to something :p
Take a look at the video below- Enjoy!!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Home Mixed Sangria

Hello happy scribblers!

So I have for you tonight a share...

I have yet to meet a bottle of wine that I didn't like (or if I didn't like, I still didn't drink- LOL).  But I loathe yellow tail wine! *okay tell me how you really feel neets!*

LOL I know, I know... But I don't like any of yellow tails ferments. But I must admit- on a cheap budget, any wine will do! Ha! So my hubby was at the store and he knew that I wanted some wine and this is what he brought home, along with some sierra mist -- the summery cranberry splash (his fav) -- and all of the sudden I had a brilliant idea! Mix, baby mix!  So... I poured some yellow tail, and topped it off with ice and a splash of the SMCS and voila! Its really tasty! As a matter of fact it tastes very, very close to sangria-- I was so geeked that I had to instagram and blog about it. Let me know if you decide to give this mix a try- I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised, and if not- at least you'll have a nice buzz for the evening :p
Enjoy your fourth of July celebration! **I had forgotten that it was coming up until my kids asked me at dinner tonight what special plans we have- talk about being spaced out! I don't know where I've been!! Oh well... I guess I'm more enamered with the upcoming birthday I have on Friday- Whoot, Whoot!! lol. Maybe I'll have another round of my new found "sangria" cocktail**

Happy and messy scribbles to you all! gnite :')

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Natural Hair and some dang-on Natural Sense!!!

Dont mind me- Im just making notes to myself- although it is here on my blog... so feel free to eavesdrop on my brainstorm!

I think that the hoopla of natural this, organic that, no mineral oil and potrolieums! don't do this, don't do! it all has me in such a place of bondage and wilderness! I am going back to the way momma used to do my hair, and back to what became my montra as I summized the major knowlege of hair essencials I learned in hair school. (which was: you can do whatever you want to your hair so long as you follow up with true consistant hair management and care) My current breakage, frizz, extreme dryness are unexplainable when I consider the major advice of those gone natural; I don't use anything in my hair! And as a result my hair is THIRSTY!! She is begging for some attention and these staples my momma used always kept my hair long and moisturized! I can only go up from here so I figure its worth it to me to at least try!

Here is my list of product to go back to- try and/or continue use...

* Water! destilled and faucet (Anita! STOP FORGETTING TO WET YOUR HAIR DOWN DAILY!!!)
* Aloe vera juice (try mixing with water this time)
* find and try a clarifing shampoo
* olive oil
* jojoba oil
* pure coconut oil
* Vegetable Glycerin* Tea Tree Essential Oil* Peppermint Essential Oil* Rosemary Essential Oil* Basil Essential Oil
* Extra Virgin Olive Oil
* castor oil (mixes well with gel as to dilute proteins present in gel for my hair type)
* Cholesterol or Lakair conditioner
* Carefree Curls instant moisturizor (and maybe the wave activator with jojoba)
* Jam (I love jam! Why stop using it just cause you say so?!)
* coconut oil grease (my daughters hair craves this product- again! Who cares what you say?)
* eco styler gel (try more wet n goes, incorperating a "damp" n go method- also use for slicking that hair up for your fauz bun updos)
homemade flaxseed gel
(for good definition on my twist out settings vs eco styler gel to use for damp n go and slick updos)
* Shea butter whipped cream (and shea butter essencial oil mixture) (My hair liked the whipped butter, L's hair liked it, Y's hair LOVED it...)
* Carol's Daughter mimosa hair honey (not before I research more reviews)
* Kinky Curly curling custard or Shea moisture organic coconut and hibiscus curling souffle' (try these only after and if I don't get good results from consistant use of shea butter whipped cream and lotion)

Some of these on this list aren't "all natural" to try (Oh no!!! god forbid!! oh stuff it!!) LOL
continuing on...

* Tresemme naturals conditioner
* Tressemme moisture rich conditioner
* Paul Mitchelle "the conditioner"
* any shampoo I want (dilute it and put it in a pull open squirter top bottle thingy; apply directly to the scalp for cleansing the skin and not over cleansing hair shaft)

~Sit under dryer when needed to deep condition- or to deep set oils
~keep washing and detangling in sections- resisting yank and advance on slip

I bet if I get cracking on these points I will see improvement in my hair... Im looking for
these results:
* fluffy hair
* less stiff, and lots of movement in hair
* moisturized hair, not necessarily shiny hair, but not cracked brittle and dry
* soft hair- easy to seperate and twist for stretch out routine and night covering
* easy to manage for quick styling in preparation for going out
* smell good hair

styles to try:
* crochet hair extentions
* marley hair faux buns
* clip in pieces of faux hair for bang or other creations
(also incorperate color this way)

So don't be like me.  Don't forget to think for yourself when you join a revolution- sometimes the real revolution is remembering that you although you didn't have the full monty- you did have some brillant ideas!!

Happy and messy scribbles to you!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Mash haul and review

Hello happy scribblers!

So yesterday I was surprised to find at my doorstep a box from UPS as I wasn't due to get this shipment  until today sometime.  I opened the box and it was my MASH nail stamp plates! Finally, after learning about Konad and Monster stamps (and heck the whole notion of nail art stamp plates in general!) about a year ago, I finally own some- yay!! So, since I'm so ubber geeked, you may be wondering why I waited so long to make the move on purchasing some plates in the first place... Well, I can be really indecisive, but on top of that- when it comes to my being a virgin of any new experience*** I get the jibbers- you know; chicken jibbers; scaredy cat jibbers- yea those. So anyway, this past Monday I was reading
and I swear- the heavens opened up and my Father was like "upon this nail design and art plate I am well pleased" LOL no seriously angels, birds, ran over geese- someone was singing! I had found the first plate design I wanted to own.  So I didn't hesitate to jump on Amazon... even though I wanted to- I'm always second guessing whether to spend money on panties, or nail goodies- only to end up buying neither (yep- I go commando! just kidding). I searched MASH plate 43 (per nailsbeautiqued design) found the lot and dumped them in my shopping cart along with a plate holder, and their scrapper/stamper combo pack.  And here is what everything looks like... oh yeah- I threw in the pic some new dotting tools that I bought also:

Everything is by "MASH"
I paid $12.99 for a order of 25 nail plates (each plate has at least 4 designs on it) which in my opinoin is desent a price for a virgin stamper! I didn't get to break them open until 11pm last night- and I admit I was REALLY sleepy, but I wanted to test it out anyway! And I say--- sleepy or not-
 I didn't expect the result of my first stamp to be so dissappointing.

 Base was Sinful Colors Unicorn and I stamped with Pro Salon Never Glum Plum
It came out so blurry and I couldn't figure out why- not to mention sleepy brains aren't fit for solving mysteries!  So I went to bed a bit frustrated with myself, because I really am a "Watch someone do something- turn around and execute the replica perfectly" kind of person.  I think I was also rethinking my brilliant idea to click that submit order button so quickly; was this a bad buy??
 All the questions would have to wait til morning- and this morning I went at it again...

 My first thought was okay- maybe I should try a different polish. Maybe cheapo polishes don't work- although I have seen countless youtube-ers use many different brands of polish.  But I was on a mission to figure this out and get at least ONE. CLEAR. STAMP. on my nail bed! And as you can see...
I got another smeared blurry scrape... What to do now I wondered? 

Well, I don't have pictures of all the results but I tried several
 different polishes, but they each did the same thing.

Ok so- it must be the scrapper! I light bulb went off! I remembered seeing someone on YouTube use a credit card so I tried that...and yes.... Success!!!

Having Figuring out the problem, I tried a darker color in green with no base
and it came out great! Clear and with no smugges!
 (Don't mind my cuticles, and those dry crunchy hangnails- I already know I need a mani! LOL)

I just can't wait to get stamping an entire manicure.
Maybe I'll treat my daughter to one for her bday today!  Either way I'll let you see what I decide to do!!

Messy scribbles to you dear scribblers!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

My 5 Truths

Good morning messy scribblers!

I was inspried by Julie from Balzer Designs upon reading her blog and I thought I would get on today and chat about it with you guys. You can view the post here:

She ended her post by posing the challenge, do you have 5 truths?

Well- do I?     I think so!
So, let's see...

1. Love is a powerful force in my life- without the love of my husband and Father God I would be lost!

2. Pretty things are made to be collected.... BY ME! (*>*)

3. When I spend a few miniutes saturated in nature, all of my sorrows turn to mush and I aline with new founded energy. I guess it's true what they say- vitamin D from this sun a great nemesis to depression!

4. Laughter has the same healing effect as does a glass of wine at the end of the day

5. Your truth is not my truth- this is a new muse for me, but I'm letting the knowlege of this particular truth sink in deeper and deeper everyday.