Another Post About Being Addicted to Sugar:

Three weeks ago I began trying to cut sugar out of my diet. The first week was a golden success! I felt empowered. Though it was very hard, dreaming of desserts every minute of the day and stuff like that, I didn't break. After day three I wasn't as mentally tortured and went through the rest of the week without breaking. Week two was more of the same type of mental war as week one, but I managed pretty successfully I would say. This week has been an absolute nightmare. Sunday I tried to give myself a cheat day. Caramel/cheese popcorn that I had ordered 2 months ago to support a fundraiser timely appeared as if by magic in the mail, which I shared with the family rather than inhaling all on my own. And later in the afternoon, I also had a few cookies. This is good for me. Listen, I know how to do desserts and sweet treats, and caramel corn and a few cookies are nowhere near my typical deep sweet dive. So, I checked it off as a reasonably sweet "cheat" day. Then, on Monday I struggled so badly (mentally). I didn't break, but I was so moody and down on myself. Tuesday was more of the same, wallowing in my inability, although I didn't break. Yesterday, I just couldn't take any more mental torture. I relented and ate the first sweet treat I could find in the house. There were still some cookies in the pantry, and I had 5 of them. Then this morning I had waffles with butter pecan syrup. They weren't good. The cookies, the waffles... It wasn't worth it. The batter was reactive on my tongue like there was an imbalance of baking soda in the mix. It was just gross. And the cookies were just blah. I don't like processed off-the-shelf sweets anyway, so I am actually pissed off that I ate that crap anyway. I either instance, there wasn't a feeling of "OMFG! That was so good, this is why I miss eating sweets!!" Like I imagined was the issue and used as a rationale to go ahead and indulge. I know more clearly now that giving in yesterday "fed a craving" like settling up with a fiend. I observe with more awareness of the truth behind it. It didn't feel indulgent it felt relieving. Like I had finally shushed the voices in my head begging for sugar, like a shameless thirsty toddler talkmbout "You got games on yo phone?"

I am an addict. Plain and simple. Sigh... I know that I need to embrace the notion that there will be days I will fail at this, and when it happens I should admit it to myself and to an accountability partner, pray for strength to change what I can, and get back to the discipline at hand rather than give up completely. But I am feeling pretty defeated. What if this just keeps happening? I have to figure out how to believe in myself cause right now I don't have the faith. And I have to get some more successful days under my belt, cause this one day good 3 days bad rollercoaster sucks. Why can't I do this...? ugh...

Time Lapse Resolutions

It has occurred to me, as I was searching my brain about where to write down some thoughts this morning, that this blog of mine still exists. "I wonder if that blog is still up, it's been years since I've logged in," I thought to myself. I sat down to the computer, "What are the names of popular blog spots these days?" I thought. "Blogspot, hmm, maybe that was the platform I used to use. Blog, blogging, blogger... Blogger!" That's it! So, I typed in the website, pressed enter, and lo and behold here it is. I was even still signed in. I was forwarded directly to my posts/edits on the main page. And there staring back at me was a list of blogs. Some published and a swimmingly long list of unpublished ones. 

As I perused through the list I thought how accurate a reflective snapshot this is of how I flounder through life. Doing work up to a certain level of progress before giving up. Starting and Stopping projects or resolutions. And speaking of resolutions... ironically, (and oh so predictably) it was a resolute thought that had brought me to this blog today. 

I am kicking sugar. 

There. I said it. Without a hint of syntactical ambiguity. A demonstrative declaration. But don't misunderstand. I am terrified and unsure. This sugar thing all started as my way of observing/sacrificing during Holy Week this week. No sugar. No social media. But I can't help think about the fact that I really need to kick sugar for good. After Holy Week is over, shouldn't continue eliminating sugar consumption forever?

Can I do this?

What will be the status of my sugar intake next month? Next week? Tomorrow? Heck, two hours from now even! I don't know if I can succeed with this. I am deathly afraid of failing, of starting something again only to give up once it gets too hard or once I lose interest. It has only been one full day since I started. Today marks the start of day 2 and it is already hard. I've had to drink my morning cup of joe, ahem, with NO sugar. Yuck! For someone who needed a coffee so desperately every single morning without fail... now, without sugar, I don't want it! It's possible that I never actually liked coffee in the first place. So, maybe I have kicked coffee too? Yesterday, I had a carb-filled lunch, penne pasta with pesto. A healthy choice, or so I thought. No meat no sugar equals healthy, right? Ah, but that's the interesting thing about sugar, yup, it's in pasta. After your body metabolizes it of course. But now we're philosophizing, I mean... which came first? The chicken or the egg? After I ate that bowl of pasta I was incredibly sleepy, and incredible desperate to soothe with a sugary treat. But I was holding fast, determined not to fail so quickly. But how was I going to get through this moment? My thought was... if I couldn't have cookies with lunch, why stay awake and torture myself. "Take a nap! Give in to the sleepiness. That's what I'll do," I thought. This also was the only thought I could find, it was the only thought that felt right. Seeing that the carbs I had consumed had highjacked any of my reasoning or problem solving skills, I retreated to my bedroom. I closed the door behind me, (oops!) remembered that I was also trying to observe Holy Week, yelled at my speaker "okay google, play Isreal Houghton" and fell to my knees and prayed. 

"God, please help me. Help me ignore this deep desire to eat something sweet!"

I spent what, I don't know 30 mins. or so on my knees praying, and later climbed into bed and fell asleep. It was a win, at least in my eyes. Sure, I'd slept through the craving, but what's more is that I didn't give in to the craving.

Sherri Shepherd archived an Instagram live, and I watched it this past Sunday afternoon. "Sherri Can't Cook" she kept calling the segment. She was baking muffins that were packed with healthy ingredients and absolutely no sugar. Natural sugars from fruits, but that's it. She'd kicked sugar a few years ago, and knows exactly why she did. Someone had asked her how she resists the temptation to fall off her diet, and she indicated that it is crucial for her to remember her why. "Why are you doing this, Sherri? For my son," she said. As a type 2 diabetic and as someone who is addicted to food, her words, she was at death's door. She was stuffing her face with a candy bar one afternoon when her son turned to her and asked who is going to take care of him when she died. Sherri decided right then and there that it was foolish to willingly choose death over life just for a 30-second-sugar-relief. It was at this point during the live that she went off-script, so to speak, and coasted into an inspirational lecture about healthy eating and taking control of what you can control. "I am a sugar addict," she said. "You have to look at it that way. Make it a serious problem. Some people are addicted to drugs, but I am addicted to food. And I can't do moderation. I had to kick sugar cold turkey. If I say I'm just going to have one cookie, I know that it's a lie. I can't have just one. I'll eat the whole row!" I was blown back. As she talked about the way she used to turn to food for comfort and celebration or to cure sadness and happiness. To pass the time, to halt the time. To observe any and every reason and season, food was the culprit. Her friend. Her all and all. I could relate... And if I could relate to what she was expressing, behaviors specific to her personal experience, was I too a food addict? 

Hello, my name is Anita, and I am a sugarholic.

There. I said it. Without a hint of syntactical ambiguity. A demonstrative declaration. I am terrified and unsure. But This I do know; I don't want to miss out on living a full, healthy, long, life because I refuse to get control of the thing I can control. And I think it is within my privy to control what I eat. One striking takeaway that I keep thinking about after listening to Sherri Shepherd's Instagram live is what she said about spiritual purpose. If I paraphrase what she said it would sound like this:

You have a purpose in your life. We all do. And girlfriend... if you can't move without pain, or with spunk, or with lasting energy you're probably less likely to fulfill your purpose. And if you are found not living up to that purpose the somebody out there loses and the enemy wins. If you are fulfilling your purpose, what's beautiful about that is someone will be inspired by you. Each one of us can inspire one or two others. Then, those one or two others will walk in their purpose which will inspire one or two more. This inspiration cycle will create a domino effect of encouraging others to fulfill their purposes, and the world will become a place where we are encircled with beautifully energetic inspirational purposed driven love. I starts with one. It starts with me.

What is my why?

Sometimes it's hard and daunting to wear the responsibility of changing the world. What Sherri admonishes is true, and I honor it. But I know I am not there yet. I want to change the world, but I am still nervous that I will fail. I still have growth to do in this area, accepting failure. Doing it scared. You know... mentally strong kind of stuff. But "To Change the World" is not my why yet. And that's okay. "For my son" is not my why either. I have 4 kids. Oh! They are so beautiful. They are a fulfillment of my dreams in so many ways. I love them dearly, and I want to live to be here for them. To advise them and watch them grow. To see them go off to college, marry, build their lives... all that. And it is very important to me. On a 1-10 scale, it's a ten! But... it's not my why. If my why is going to help me say no to a thick, luscious, rich, triple chocolate fudge cake slice, drizzled with chocolate ganache, who am I kidding-- 2, slices... okay THREE slices... and two scoops of ice cream on the side... Thinking over how much I love these moody, hot-tempered teenagers of mine who leave mounds of trash and dishes for me to pick up after, and who are the reason I sometimes hide in my room from won't do the trick! And my husband, he's wonderful too. I want to live out my days with him and be healthy for our post-kid bucket list. But let's face it, husbands leave more chores undone than kids do. I love him, but he's not my why. 

This is what I do know. I want to live. Moreover, I want to do more than sit here and continue stiffening up. I want to move without pain. I want to be flexible again. I want to be strong- like move couches by myself, the way I used to, strong. I want to travel long distances without swelling up or having my body go into shock from "travel trauma?!" SMH. I want to live to an old age, well over 90. And in that old age, I want my heart, bones, and muscles to thank me for how I kept them well during my younger years. I think these are my why.

So, here I go... starting something, again. Send your prayers and thoughts my way, I am going to need them!