Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Will I practice?


I did! I practiced piano today! Just finished actually...

I set my timer on my phone for 30 minutes, promising myself that I won't torture for long, and sat down at the piano. When the timer went off, I was just getting fruatrated and slightly overwhelimgly upset at the compexities I had begun to feel. But literally, as those feelings began- it was a few seconds later that I was saved by the bell. And rather than soldier on, ignoring the timer- I took the alarm as a sign to keep the promise I had made to myself... do not torture yourself. Enjoy this! A victory step!!!

I almost missed my window of opportunity to even get to the piano today. I had already decided well before my first piano lesson yesterday, that I would set practice times during Thaniel's naptime. But, I fell asleep along with Thaniel while helping him down for his nap! Well, some time later- while having great sleep, I got a text message from Toya- and that woke me up!  Once the disorientation fizzed out, I realized that I had fallen asleep rather than gotten up to practice. So, instead of snuggling back in to Thanny's slumber- I laid him down and went to the piano. This was another vicory step for me!

I downloaded an app for keeping time, a metronome app- opened my lesson book and went to it!  You know... It feels weird practicing a lot of what I already know, but am so very rusty with, and it is equally strange to have this unnerving tap in the back of my thoights that say "everything you are playing now will be soon heard by your piano teacher... Now she may not judge you harshly or with negativity (you're hoping anayway!) But she will judge you. How do you feel about that?" I ask myself... and I don't quite know how I feel about it. It doesn't frighten me away from the task of practicing at the current moment... another victory!  And all the miracle I need today ��

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

1st Piano Lesson

I envision Bill Murray's character Phil in the movie Groundhog Day- older, stuck in an unfavorable situation (the same day repeating itself) but making use of it! Learning! Improving! Not counting his life as a sumation of; too late to change!

A quote jumped out at me. It was posted on a sign visible from my van while I was on campus yesterday as I went to pick up Todd from Smith Hall....

"Its never too late to be who you might have been- George Eliot"

This piano lesson is me, pickng up where I left off years ago as a chold. Taking on the challenge to be who I might have been. Not allowing my life to wither away like grass having not left my foot print there. Facing my fears. Being brave enough to be volunerable around a stranger. Letting her (Ivy) see my flaws- Why? So that I can grow! Attain this skill! Accomplish! Prepare and equip myself with the means to sasisfy my discomfort, my anger, my hurt, or my need for pleasure-- by playing a tune. After all it is music that heals, and brings joy to the soul.

And all of a sudden, anymore, those silly; fearful reasons I had to never do this doesn't matter. What DOES matter, that which I can no longer ignore are the many reasons that call on me to be brave; these reasons show me why I have to do this.