Another Post About Being Addicted to Sugar:

Three weeks ago I began trying to cut sugar out of my diet. The first week was a golden success! I felt empowered. Though it was very hard, dreaming of desserts every minute of the day and stuff like that, I didn't break. After day three I wasn't as mentally tortured and went through the rest of the week without breaking. Week two was more of the same type of mental war as week one, but I managed pretty successfully I would say. This week has been an absolute nightmare. Sunday I tried to give myself a cheat day. Caramel/cheese popcorn that I had ordered 2 months ago to support a fundraiser timely appeared as if by magic in the mail, which I shared with the family rather than inhaling all on my own. And later in the afternoon, I also had a few cookies. This is good for me. Listen, I know how to do desserts and sweet treats, and caramel corn and a few cookies are nowhere near my typical deep sweet dive. So, I checked it off as a reasonably sweet "cheat" day. Then, on Monday I struggled so badly (mentally). I didn't break, but I was so moody and down on myself. Tuesday was more of the same, wallowing in my inability, although I didn't break. Yesterday, I just couldn't take any more mental torture. I relented and ate the first sweet treat I could find in the house. There were still some cookies in the pantry, and I had 5 of them. Then this morning I had waffles with butter pecan syrup. They weren't good. The cookies, the waffles... It wasn't worth it. The batter was reactive on my tongue like there was an imbalance of baking soda in the mix. It was just gross. And the cookies were just blah. I don't like processed off-the-shelf sweets anyway, so I am actually pissed off that I ate that crap anyway. I either instance, there wasn't a feeling of "OMFG! That was so good, this is why I miss eating sweets!!" Like I imagined was the issue and used as a rationale to go ahead and indulge. I know more clearly now that giving in yesterday "fed a craving" like settling up with a fiend. I observe with more awareness of the truth behind it. It didn't feel indulgent it felt relieving. Like I had finally shushed the voices in my head begging for sugar, like a shameless thirsty toddler talkmbout "You got games on yo phone?"

I am an addict. Plain and simple. Sigh... I know that I need to embrace the notion that there will be days I will fail at this, and when it happens I should admit it to myself and to an accountability partner, pray for strength to change what I can, and get back to the discipline at hand rather than give up completely. But I am feeling pretty defeated. What if this just keeps happening? I have to figure out how to believe in myself cause right now I don't have the faith. And I have to get some more successful days under my belt, cause this one day good 3 days bad rollercoaster sucks. Why can't I do this...? ugh...